I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
