Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
