the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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