I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
