Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
