So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
