Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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