I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
