They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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