I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
