I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
