Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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