Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
