I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
