this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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