Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
