the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
