dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
