Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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