im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
