if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
