So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
