I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
