I'm really into asian looking animals
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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