Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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