why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
