This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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