So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Alive.
So much puke
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
