I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
