And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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