I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
