when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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