god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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