I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you will always have a special place in my vag
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
