and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
