i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
