i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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