I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
as a side note pls kill me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
