Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
