I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
