I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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