She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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