I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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