I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
That accounts for only three of the penises
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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