I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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