Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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