I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
