Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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