he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Sext me about skeletons
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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