Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
