At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
